Don’t Believe in Circumstances

“People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don’t believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can’t find them, make them.” -- George Bernard Shaw

You don't typically take things personally. Of course, occasionally things are intended to be personal and should be taken personally. Normally, though, you separate the event from the motivations of the people. Even though the event may have a negative effect for you, you understand that this seldom means that anyone intended that effect specifically for you. The payoff for you is twofold. First, you accurately understand what happened. Second, you are more likely to accurately understand why it happened the way it did. Avoiding inaccurate and complex motivation-based explanations enables you to focus maximum attention on those circumstances that most likely account for what actually happened.

I was musing today about what is really worth knowing and thought it might be useful to make a list of things worth knowing. That way, if a situation comes up where knowing one of those things worth knowing comes in handy, I can say, “I knew that,” instead of “I wish I had known that.” That will be very cool, don't you think?

If you're interested, here's my list of Today's top twenty things worth knowing. As you can tell, these things worth knowing aren't connected and don't necessarily have much to do with each other. They are just worth knowing. -- Here we go.

1. It is certainly true that no one is perfect, you are only human, and things only work out just the way you want them to in the movies. Life can be a real bear sometimes; but fortunately, you do not have to take responsibility for life. You are only on the hook for who you are and what you do.

2. Imagine your future as you hope it will be, your vision for yourself. Can you get there on a “do it yourself” basis? If not, your challenge is to get the aid and support you need from those who can contribute to your success. The best way to do that is to understand where they want to go and help them get there. They are then more likely to help you get where you want to go.

3. If you sincerely want to help, do not ask what you can do to help or wait to be asked. Think about what the person's problem is or what they want to accomplish and then do something helpful.

4. Unless you have something to do right now that is truly important and really urgent, a few minutes of rest and relaxation just may be your best choice for what is next. Taking time occasionally for a little R/R is more than a self-indulgent, feel good thing. It helps you deal better with the ups-and-downs.

5. If you tell someone that they can depend on you, does that mean that your commitment to them is as if you made it to yourself? If so, people need only watch you to see how well you take care of yourself. That is the only measure they need in order to tell how dependable you will be with them.

6. Consistently and sincerely take the needs and interests, goals and motivations of others into consideration. You do not reflexively defer to their values and beliefs, want to's and got to's. However, you certainly do put them into the equation as you set your priorities and make your plans.

7. Are you as interested in others as you seem? Are you being as straight-up and forthcoming as you profess to be? It is a fact that you can fool some people all the time and most everyone now and then; but fooling yourself is worse than foolish. It is taking dishonesty to a new and often irreversible low.

8. Sharp knives cut better than dull ones. Cats do not like having their heads held. Mom makes the best raisin cake in the universe. If you are running late, something will come up to make you later. Santa Claus will still believe in you even if you stop believing in him. What is the common ingredient? Everything on the list is reliable, the way it is, always that way. The same is true for reliable people. They are not on-again off-again, up-and-down, one way with you and another with other people, erratic and unpredictable. Reliability is indeed their trademark.

9. Is there someone driving you up the wall with their suggestions, advice, and superior attitude? They have solutions to problems you do not have, answers to questions you did not ask, and endless advice about how to handle things that you are handling just fine. Their favorite sport is nosing into your business.

Instead of seething inside or giving into the urge to tell them what they can do with their suggestions and opinions, next time, smile and say, "Isn't that my monkey?" Whatever their response, say, "Thank you; but my monkey gets upset if anyone but me tries to handle him."

10. Do not forget W. Churchill's admonition that even a fool is right sometimes. That is why it is always wise to consider the advice before discounting the advisor, read the message before turning away the messenger.

11. A good way to see how to say what you have to say with style is seeing how you should not say it. For example, this is not the way to go.

"This may sound stupid, but. . . ." What a way to inspire confidence! Nonetheless, if you think it may be stupid, everyone will need to give it the stupid test before giving you and what you say any serious consideration. Starting with, "As A. Einstein once said. . . ," is probably going too far in the other direction; but it does have the advantage that you and your comments will not have to pass the stupid test. Better to succinctly make your point and then let it stand on its own. Stand up, speak up, shut up, and sit down.

12. Problems reproduce and solutions are the aphrodisiacs. Solving a problem merely creates a new problem with its own set of circumstances and unique opportunities. That arouses the solution glands and stimulates the problem solving urge. The cycle then repeats itself. It is one of those erotic compulsions that has to be satisfied. The solution to the problem merely changes the problem.

13. Keep this thought handy for those moments when someone tries to hook you into handling their problems. "Your lack of planning does not make this my emergency. Your plan, if you had one, was figuring I'd cover your backside. I do not let other people turn their poor planning into my emergencies."

14. You already know that you cannot just blow with the wind, hop on whatever train happens along, and that chameleons may have a good thing going for themselves but certainly will not win the day in the great shootout at The OK Corral. You also know that you have to stick to your guns, take a stand, and not let people push you around. All that is true. Equally true is the fact that single-mindedness can eventually turn into bullheadedness, an unwillingness to compromise can turn into a "win at any cost" mentality, and sticking to his guns is how the cowboy ended up shooting himself in the foot.

15. Have you ever had it stuck to you by one of those hit-and-run types whose motto is "Business is Business?" Their trick is to never depend on return customers and to never try to do business tomorrow where they setup shop yesterday. It is a strategy best suited to those whose bottom line is merely the bottom line.

If instead, your bottom line depends on long-term relationships with your friends and family, customers and co-workers, be sure that they consistently get what they value and value what they get from you. The value factor is the key to a healthy bottom line.

16. Avoiding failure is not always all that easy; but it will improve your odds if you keep in mind that most any mess is easier to get into than out of. If your personal experience does not have you saying, "Ain't that the truth!" you have lived a charmed life or maybe you just do not get it. For we mere mortals, though, "What the hell happened?" and more importantly, "WHICH way is out?" are not uncommon questions. "I should have known better," and "I didn't see it coming," are not much help when you are stuck in the muck, with no way to escape. That is why you will do well to plan on how you will get out of the muck before diving in.

17. Sure, some lucky ducks were born with silver spoons in their mouths. In life's great poker game, some people get better cards than others. It is enough to make you just sit down and cry. The old law-of-averages certainly does not apply to you. You wish. . .; and if cows could fly and if luck were really a lady, the world would be a fairer place. Even if it were not, at least you would get better cards. Keep on wishing. Maybe your luck will turn. Then again, maybe not. That is why simply going with the cards you are dealt is usually your best choice.

18. It probably comes as no surprise that merely trusting others isn't all there is to it. The question is not just, "Who do you trust?" It isn't, "Who trusts you?" either, since even world-class scoundrels likely are trusted sometimes by someone. The question is, "Is there any good reason why anyone should trust you?"

19. You say, "You can trust me. You have my word on it." Well, okay, but so what? Seeing is believing, show me, talk is cheap, time will tell, and all that. Your being trustworthy is not one of those things you can just proclaim and think that is the end of it. It is not something you tell people about you. It is a judgment other people make about you.

20. Suppose you are hot on the trail of a great deal, a resolution to a nasty conflict, an answer to a tough question. Without a hint, it suddenly all goes sour. Have you been there, up close and personal? Sure you have. It is frustrating to say the least and is usually down-right maddening. The nearly irresistible temptation is to poke at it just one more time, take just one more shot. Sure, I know. The problem with resisting temptation is that it may be the only chance you get. Nonetheless, it really may be time to put the old dog in the truck and call it a day.

Persuasive Arm Twisting

"We have found that the most effective persuaders use language in a particular way. They supplement numerical data with examples, stories, metaphors, and analogies to make their positions come alive. That use of language paints a vivid word picture and, in doing so, lends a compelling and tangible quality to the persuader's point of view." -- Jay Conger

It would be easy to focus on the details of Conger’s observation and miss the more interesting message. His emphasis on examples, stories, metaphors, and analogies indeed paints a vivid word picture and thus draws attention away from the compelling and tangible quality of the persuader's point which is to persuade, compellingly. The goal is to make people adopt a certain position, belief, or course of action. Sure, you are twisting somebody's arm. Were that not the plan, they wouldn’t need persuaded. William Bernbach had this take on persuasive arm twisting, “The truth isn't the truth until people believe you, and they can't believe you if they don't know what your saying, and they can't know what you've saying if they don't listen to you, and they won't listen to you if you're not interesting, and you won't be interesting until you say things imaginatively, originally, freshly.” No one is going to buy your snake oil, no matter how fine it is, no matter how good it is at curing everything, until you show them the truth, until they are persuaded.

There is an old Chinese Proverb that says, “The tongue can paint what the eye can't see;” and no less an authority than St Thomas Aquinas advised, to convert somebody go and take them by the hand and guide them.” Even Epicurus had a little guidance on pitching snake oil, although he likely smiled as he disguised it as philosophy, “Human nature is not to be coerced but persuaded and we shall persuade her by satisfying the necessary desires if they are not going to be injurious but, if they are going to injure, by relentlessly banning them.” The actual pitch might have gone like this, “My friends, this genuine snake oil satisfies your most important and necessary desires to relentlessly ban potentially injurious demons from your lives, nigh, from the world as you know it.” Now do you need some of that or what?

Benjamin Franklin identified the cardinal element in persuasion, “Would you persuade, speak of interest, not of reason.” Marcus T Cicero went Franklin one better, “Nothing is so unbelievable that oratory cannot make it acceptable;” and Joseph Conrad agreed, “He who wants to persuade should put his trust not in the right argument, but in the right word. The power of sound has always been greater than the power of sense.”

There are just a few additional techniques you will need to round out your bag of persuasive tricks. Dale Carnegie suggested adding, “There is only one way to get anybody to do anything. And that is by making the other person want to do it.” How do you do that? Know that, according to Eric Hoffer, “The real persuaders are our appetites, our fears and above all our vanity. The skillful propagandist stirs and coaches these internal persuaders.” Lord Chesterfield offered this tidbit, “He makes people pleased with him by making them first pleased with themselves;” but Ralph Waldo Emerson gave this caution, “That which we do not believe, we cannot adequately say; even though we may repeat the words ever so often.” It might be tempting to conclude that only those who passionately believe can passionately persuade; but there is still a lingering caveat. Don’t ever underestimate the power of the dedicated snake oil huckster to persuade.

Conscience Has An Attitude

“When your intelligence don't tell you something ain't right, your conscience gives you a tap on the shoulder and says ‘Hold on.’ If it don't, you're a snake.” -- Elvis Presley

As one might expect, Carl Jung expressed Presley’s folk wisdom in somewhat more formal language; but the idea is the same, “Through pride we are ever deceiving ourselves. But deep down below the surface of the average conscience a still, small voice says to us, 'Something is out of tune.'” Christopher Reeve also heard that inner voice, “I think we all have a little voice inside us that will guide us. It may be God, I don't know. But I think that if we shut out all the noise and clutter from our lives and listen to that voice, it will tell us the right thing to do.”

The recurring belief is that the voice of conscience is ever-present and far less fallible than the voice of reason. For example, Josh Billings asserted, “Reason often makes mistakes but conscience never does.” Jean-Jacques Rousseau made the same point this way, “Reason deceives us often; conscience never.” Although stated less dogmatically, Joseph Cook agreed with Billings and Rousseau, “Conscience is our magnetic compass; reason our chart.”

Unfortunately, that little voice may not be quite the totally reliable key to recognizing the good and right some say it is. Samuel Butler pointed out, “Conscience is thoroughly well-bred and soon leaves off talking to those who do not wish to hear it.” As it turns out, conscience has an attitude. If you don’t pay attention to it, it may just stop paying attention to you. Were that not problem enough, what conscience is saying isn’t always clear. You can listen and still struggle to understand. As William Dean Howells pointed out, “The difficulty is to know conscience from self-interest.”

Conscience and reason are having a fight. They go back and forth all through the night. It’s a right to the nose and a left to the chin. When morning comes, they start over again.

Reason says that it makes perfect sense. It’s trying to nudge you off of the fence. The tug of conscience is hard to abide. It’s pulling you hard to the other side.

You sway back and forth, first left and then right. Do you do what makes sense or do what seems right? Conscience gives you a pull, then reason a push. If this isn’t resolved, you’ll be dumped on your tush.

Does reason prevail or does the little voice win? Do you take one on the nose or one on the chin? Either way you go, it doesn’t feel good. Do you do what makes sense or do what you should?

Calm yourself and try to unwind. Take a deep breath and make up your mind. Do you go with what you think or with that little voice? It’s up to you; and you live with your choice.

Change Management

"Since changes are going on anyway, the great thing is to learn enough about them so that we will be able to lay hold of them and turn them in the direction of our desires. Conditions and events are neither to be fled from nor passively acquiesced in; they are to be utilized and directed." -- John Dewey

It’s not surprising that Dewey bases his approach to change management on active learning. Since change is a fact of life, you might as well make the best of it. Learn as much as you can about the changes in your life and then use them, as much as possible, to your advantage. William O. Douglas suggested that success in using change in your best interest depends, in large measure, on adjusting your thinking to conform to today’s reality. "Security can only be achieved through constant change, through discarding old ideas that have outlived their usefulness and adapting others to current facts." Francis Bacon also agreed that you need to take charge of change and mold it to your purposes. “Things alter for the worse spontaneously, if they be not altered for the better designedly.”

However, there are cautionary voices as you slide into the driver’s seat of your life. For example, Ellen Glasgow said, “All change is not growth, as all movement is not forward.” Distinguishing good change from the not so good is an important aspect of the learning Dewey recommended. Arnold Bennett also raised the voice of caution, “Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts." Nonetheless, G. C. Lichtenberg submitted what is likely the take home point here, “I cannot say whether things will get better if we change; what I can say is they must change if they are to get better."

The substance of your life is in continuous change. The elements form and then rearrange. Some of those elements you can move and shift. Change can be slow or unusually swift.

It’s an ongoing saga through each twist and turn. You refuse to change. It’s not your concern. W. Edwards Deming discovered the conclusion to the story. “It is not necessary to change. Survival is not mandatory.”