Expectations

“A master can tell you what he expects of you. A teacher, though, awakens your own expectations.” -- Patricia Neal

Expecting others to do as well as they sometimes do is both unreasonable and counterproductive. It's like a twelve-year-old hitting a homerun and then being told, "I knew you could do it. Now let's have another one. You are a homerun hitter." The problem is, of course, that there won't be a homerun every time and now a single is sub-standard performance. The unspoken or perhaps spoken message is, "You aren't giving it your best effort. You should have gotten a homerun." This applies to a sales person making an unusually big sale, a scientist making a new discovery, a team winning the big game, and so on but also applies to less consequential events and activities. It's appropriate to expect excellent performance but you know that expecting exceptional or perfect performance every time is a sure way to demoralize and frustrate any person.

I was musing today about what is really worth knowing and thought it might be useful to make a list of things worth knowing. That way, if a situation comes up where knowing one of those things worth knowing comes in handy, I can say, “I knew that,” instead of “I wish I had known that.” That will be very cool, don't you think?

If you're interested, here's my list of Today's top twenty things worth knowing. As you can tell, these things worth knowing aren't connected and don't necessarily have much to do with each other. They are just worth knowing. -- Here we go.

1. It is certainly true that no one is perfect, you are only human, and things only work out just the way you want them to in the movies. Life can be a real bear sometimes; but fortunately, you do not have to take responsibility for life. You are only on the hook for who you are and what you do.

2. Imagine your future as you hope it will be, your vision for yourself. Can you get there on a “do it yourself” basis? If not, your challenge is to get the aid and support you need from those who can contribute to your success. The best way to do that is to understand where they want to go and help them get there. They are then more likely to help you get where you want to go.

3. If you sincerely want to help, do not ask what you can do to help or wait to be asked. Think about what the person's problem is or what they want to accomplish and then do something helpful.

4. Unless you have something to do right now that is truly important and really urgent, a few minutes of rest and relaxation just may be your best choice for what is next. Taking time occasionally for a little R/R is more than a self-indulgent, feel good thing. It helps you deal better with the ups-and-downs.

5. If you tell someone that they can depend on you, does that mean that your commitment to them is as if you made it to yourself? If so, people need only watch you to see how well you take care of yourself. That is the only measure they need in order to tell how dependable you will be with them.

6. Consistently and sincerely take the needs and interests, goals and motivations of others into consideration. You do not reflexively defer to their values and beliefs, want to's and got to's. However, you certainly do put them into the equation as you set your priorities and make your plans.

7. Are you as interested in others as you seem? Are you being as straight-up and forthcoming as you profess to be? It is a fact that you can fool some people all the time and most everyone now and then; but fooling yourself is worse than foolish. It is taking dishonesty to a new and often irreversible low.

8. Sharp knives cut better than dull ones. Cats do not like having their heads held. Mom makes the best raisin cake in the universe. If you are running late, something will come up to make you later. Santa Claus will still believe in you even if you stop believing in him. What is the common ingredient? Everything on the list is reliable, the way it is, always that way. The same is true for reliable people. They are not on-again off-again, up-and-down, one way with you and another with other people, erratic and unpredictable. Reliability is indeed their trademark.

9. Is there someone driving you up the wall with their suggestions, advice, and superior attitude? They have solutions to problems you do not have, answers to questions you did not ask, and endless advice about how to handle things that you are handling just fine. Their favorite sport is nosing into your business.

Instead of seething inside or giving into the urge to tell them what they can do with their suggestions and opinions, next time, smile and say, "Isn't that my monkey?" Whatever their response, say, "Thank you; but my monkey gets upset if anyone but me tries to handle him."

10. Do not forget W. Churchill's admonition that even a fool is right sometimes. That is why it is always wise to consider the advice before discounting the advisor, read the message before turning away the messenger.

11. A good way to see how to say what you have to say with style is seeing how you should not say it. For example, this is not the way to go.

"This may sound stupid, but. . . ." What a way to inspire confidence! Nonetheless, if you think it may be stupid, everyone will need to give it the stupid test before giving you and what you say any serious consideration. Starting with, "As A. Einstein once said. . . ," is probably going too far in the other direction; but it does have the advantage that you and your comments will not have to pass the stupid test. Better to succinctly make your point and then let it stand on its own. Stand up, speak up, shut up, and sit down.

12. Problems reproduce and solutions are the aphrodisiacs. Solving a problem merely creates a new problem with its own set of circumstances and unique opportunities. That arouses the solution glands and stimulates the problem solving urge. The cycle then repeats itself. It is one of those erotic compulsions that has to be satisfied. The solution to the problem merely changes the problem.

13. Keep this thought handy for those moments when someone tries to hook you into handling their problems. "Your lack of planning does not make this my emergency. Your plan, if you had one, was figuring I'd cover your backside. I do not let other people turn their poor planning into my emergencies."

14. You already know that you cannot just blow with the wind, hop on whatever train happens along, and that chameleons may have a good thing going for themselves but certainly will not win the day in the great shootout at The OK Corral. You also know that you have to stick to your guns, take a stand, and not let people push you around. All that is true. Equally true is the fact that single-mindedness can eventually turn into bullheadedness, an unwillingness to compromise can turn into a "win at any cost" mentality, and sticking to his guns is how the cowboy ended up shooting himself in the foot.

15. Have you ever had it stuck to you by one of those hit-and-run types whose motto is "Business is Business?" Their trick is to never depend on return customers and to never try to do business tomorrow where they setup shop yesterday. It is a strategy best suited to those whose bottom line is merely the bottom line.

If instead, your bottom line depends on long-term relationships with your friends and family, customers and co-workers, be sure that they consistently get what they value and value what they get from you. The value factor is the key to a healthy bottom line.

16. Avoiding failure is not always all that easy; but it will improve your odds if you keep in mind that most any mess is easier to get into than out of. If your personal experience does not have you saying, "Ain't that the truth!" you have lived a charmed life or maybe you just do not get it. For we mere mortals, though, "What the hell happened?" and more importantly, "WHICH way is out?" are not uncommon questions. "I should have known better," and "I didn't see it coming," are not much help when you are stuck in the muck, with no way to escape. That is why you will do well to plan on how you will get out of the muck before diving in.

17. Sure, some lucky ducks were born with silver spoons in their mouths. In life's great poker game, some people get better cards than others. It is enough to make you just sit down and cry. The old law-of-averages certainly does not apply to you. You wish. . .; and if cows could fly and if luck were really a lady, the world would be a fairer place. Even if it were not, at least you would get better cards. Keep on wishing. Maybe your luck will turn. Then again, maybe not. That is why simply going with the cards you are dealt is usually your best choice.

18. It probably comes as no surprise that merely trusting others isn't all there is to it. The question is not just, "Who do you trust?" It isn't, "Who trusts you?" either, since even world-class scoundrels likely are trusted sometimes by someone. The question is, "Is there any good reason why anyone should trust you?"

19. You say, "You can trust me. You have my word on it." Well, okay, but so what? Seeing is believing, show me, talk is cheap, time will tell, and all that. Your being trustworthy is not one of those things you can just proclaim and think that is the end of it. It is not something you tell people about you. It is a judgment other people make about you.

20. Suppose you are hot on the trail of a great deal, a resolution to a nasty conflict, an answer to a tough question. Without a hint, it suddenly all goes sour. Have you been there, up close and personal? Sure you have. It is frustrating to say the least and is usually down-right maddening. The nearly irresistible temptation is to poke at it just one more time, take just one more shot. Sure, I know. The problem with resisting temptation is that it may be the only chance you get. Nonetheless, it really may be time to put the old dog in the truck and call it a day.

Happiness Is A Habit

“I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.” -- Martha Washington

An ever-present positive approach is the trademark of people who follow Washington's lead. It's not the pasted on smile, glad hand, and "Isn't everything wonderful?" phoniness that some slick types try to pass off as the genuine article, just as it's not some kind of nonsensical philosophy that says things like, "Some good comes out of even the worst experiences."

Rather, it's believing there is a way out of the darkest forest and that they will find it. It's remembering the good news in their lives as they receive the bad. It's hanging in there with themselves and with others when a lesser spirit would hang it up. It's a personal philosophy that says, "On the happiness scale from 1 to 10, I have made a conscious decision to never go below a 7, no matter how discouraging it gets."

Making this commitment to themselves is how they sustain their positive approach every time, with everyone. It’s also how they make sure that, for them, happiness is a habit, not just a happening. As Abraham Lincoln said, “People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be." The message is that happiness isn’t a reward reality bestows on the favored few. It’s a gift each person may choose to give himself.

Kalidasa, along with Washington, believed that happiness is mostly a product of one’s mind. “The mind is its own place, and in itself, can make heaven of Hell, and a hell of Heaven.” The point is that each person may interpret the events in his life however he chooses. How he chooses to view himself and interpret his relationship to those events are separate choices.

Sophocles said, “There is no duty we so underrate as the duty of being happy. By being happy we sow anonymous benefits upon the world.” There you go. As it turns out, happiness isn’t a choice after all. A commitment to happiness is a personal responsibility, a duty to sow anonymous benefits upon the world. To choose otherwise is to neglect one’s duty.

 The Key To Virtue

“When one ceases from conflict, whether because he has won, because he has lost, or because he cares no more for the game, the virtue passes out of him." -- Charles Horton Cooley

There are three concepts here that represent an unusual juxtaposition: “conflict,” “the game,” and “virtue.” Robert Lynd said, “No doubt there are other important things in life besides conflict, but there are not many other things so inevitably interesting. The very saints interest us most when we think of them as engaged in a conflict with the Devil." Conflict can certainly be interesting either as a participant or as an observer; but “the game” and its relationship to “virtue” may be even more interesting.

The game must first offer real and present, win/lose possibilities. If it doesn’t, the virtue passes out of you. More to the point, an immediate possibility of losing is the key to virtue. Here, “virtue” is doing what is right and avoiding what is wrong.

The virtuous person pursues winning while doing only what is right. “Conflict” is, then, not the tension between winning and losing. Rather, it’s the responsibility of “right” vs. the risk of “wrong.” The truly fatal risk is not losing. It’s succumbing to the temptation to sacrifice one’s virtue on the altar of success.

It’s tempting to put forth a few moral pronouncements about right and wrong; but it’s your call. The take home point is simply that, if you are a virtuous person, you know what’s right and understand what’s wrong. “The game,” for you, is doing what’s right and avoiding what’s wrong, while playing to win, every time. To do otherwise is to let the virtue pass out of you.

The Road To Success

“No man ever wetted clay and then left it, as if there would be bricks by chance and fortune.” -- Plutarch

One may assume that Plutarch intended this rhetorically, since it definitely isn’t literally true. It’s hard to say about wetting clay specifically; but starting a job and not finishing it is certainly not uncommon. The fact of the case is that it’s business as usual for far too many folks. They probably don’t think what they start will be finished by chance and fortune; but they do figure that they won’t be the ones who have to complete it. It’s likely justifiable to conclude that they see this as good fortune, whether anyone else does or not.

Why do people do this? Why do they stop before the job is done? The famous Anon. has been sitting on the answer, “The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking places.” That’s it. They start with the best of intentions but soon discover that intentions are to accomplishments as a hardy appetite is to breakfast. However you like your omelet, someone still has to crack the eggs and grease the skillet.

Newt Gingrich figured out the “why” of it. He said, “Perseverance is the hard work you do after you get tired of doing the hard work you already did.” On the road to success, people get as far as “Perseverance” and then pull over and park. Perhaps they are too tired to continue, too bored to stay focused, or maybe just too trifling to take their responsibilities seriously. Whatever their excuse, they obdurately resist any suggestion that they should buckle down and take care of business. As Henry Ward Beecher expressed the principle, “The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong won't;” and some people just won’t.

Sure, sometimes you come up against can’t and won’t and can’t wins. You don’t have the knowledge, skills, or resources it takes to do what you want to do. At other times, though, won’t is clearly in the driver’s seat. When you reach that fork in the road, Josh Billings has a little advice for you, “Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.”

It’s a postage stamp moment. When it’s time to do it, don’t hesitate getting around to it. Remember that you are up to it, so get down to it, and jump into it; and if you think others are blocking your way, Gen. Joseph (Vinegar Joe) Stilwell’s motto is worth adopting as your own. “Illegitimis non carborundum." (Don't let the bastards grind you down.)