The Decisive Factor

“The direction of a man's thought is always the decisive factor in his personality. His whole outer life will be determined by the inward inclination of his mind.” -- Erich Sauer

You are firm, decisive, and definitely not wishy-washy. At the same time, you are neither rigid nor inflexible. Rather, you are open, receptive, and accommodating while remaining clear and steady about your views, opinions, ideas, intentions, and beliefs.

I was musing today about what is really worth knowing and thought it might be useful to make a list of things worth knowing. That way, if a situation comes up where knowing one of those things worth knowing comes in handy, I can say, “I knew that,” instead of “I wish I had known that.” That will be very cool, don't you think?

If you're interested, here's my list of Today's top twenty things worth knowing. As you can tell, these things worth knowing aren't connected and don't necessarily have much to do with each other. They are just worth knowing. -- Here we go.

1. It is certainly true that no one is perfect, you are only human, and things only work out just the way you want them to in the movies. Life can be a real bear sometimes; but fortunately, you do not have to take responsibility for life. You are only on the hook for who you are and what you do.

2. Imagine your future as you hope it will be, your vision for yourself. Can you get there on a “do it yourself” basis? If not, your challenge is to get the aid and support you need from those who can contribute to your success. The best way to do that is to understand where they want to go and help them get there. They are then more likely to help you get where you want to go.

3. If you sincerely want to help, do not ask what you can do to help or wait to be asked. Think about what the person's problem is or what they want to accomplish and then do something helpful.

4. Unless you have something to do right now that is truly important and really urgent, a few minutes of rest and relaxation just may be your best choice for what is next. Taking time occasionally for a little R/R is more than a self-indulgent, feel good thing. It helps you deal better with the ups-and-downs.

5. If you tell someone that they can depend on you, does that mean that your commitment to them is as if you made it to yourself? If so, people need only watch you to see how well you take care of yourself. That is the only measure they need in order to tell how dependable you will be with them.

6. Consistently and sincerely take the needs and interests, goals and motivations of others into consideration. You do not reflexively defer to their values and beliefs, want to's and got to's. However, you certainly do put them into the equation as you set your priorities and make your plans.

7. Are you as interested in others as you seem? Are you being as straight-up and forthcoming as you profess to be? It is a fact that you can fool some people all the time and most everyone now and then; but fooling yourself is worse than foolish. It is taking dishonesty to a new and often irreversible low.

8. Sharp knives cut better than dull ones. Cats do not like having their heads held. Mom makes the best raisin cake in the universe. If you are running late, something will come up to make you later. Santa Claus will still believe in you even if you stop believing in him. What is the common ingredient? Everything on the list is reliable, the way it is, always that way. The same is true for reliable people. They are not on-again off-again, up-and-down, one way with you and another with other people, erratic and unpredictable. Reliability is indeed their trademark.

9. Is there someone driving you up the wall with their suggestions, advice, and superior attitude? They have solutions to problems you do not have, answers to questions you did not ask, and endless advice about how to handle things that you are handling just fine. Their favorite sport is nosing into your business.

Instead of seething inside or giving into the urge to tell them what they can do with their suggestions and opinions, next time, smile and say, "Isn't that my monkey?" Whatever their response, say, "Thank you; but my monkey gets upset if anyone but me tries to handle him."

10. Do not forget W. Churchill's admonition that even a fool is right sometimes. That is why it is always wise to consider the advice before discounting the advisor, read the message before turning away the messenger.

11. A good way to see how to say what you have to say with style is seeing how you should not say it. For example, this is not the way to go.

"This may sound stupid, but. . . ." What a way to inspire confidence! Nonetheless, if you think it may be stupid, everyone will need to give it the stupid test before giving you and what you say any serious consideration. Starting with, "As A. Einstein once said. . . ," is probably going too far in the other direction; but it does have the advantage that you and your comments will not have to pass the stupid test. Better to succinctly make your point and then let it stand on its own. Stand up, speak up, shut up, and sit down.

12. Problems reproduce and solutions are the aphrodisiacs. Solving a problem merely creates a new problem with its own set of circumstances and unique opportunities. That arouses the solution glands and stimulates the problem solving urge. The cycle then repeats itself. It is one of those erotic compulsions that has to be satisfied. The solution to the problem merely changes the problem.

13. Keep this thought handy for those moments when someone tries to hook you into handling their problems. "Your lack of planning does not make this my emergency. Your plan, if you had one, was figuring I'd cover your backside. I do not let other people turn their poor planning into my emergencies."

14. You already know that you cannot just blow with the wind, hop on whatever train happens along, and that chameleons may have a good thing going for themselves but certainly will not win the day in the great shootout at The OK Corral. You also know that you have to stick to your guns, take a stand, and not let people push you around. All that is true. Equally true is the fact that single-mindedness can eventually turn into bullheadedness, an unwillingness to compromise can turn into a "win at any cost" mentality, and sticking to his guns is how the cowboy ended up shooting himself in the foot.

15. Have you ever had it stuck to you by one of those hit-and-run types whose motto is "Business is Business?" Their trick is to never depend on return customers and to never try to do business tomorrow where they setup shop yesterday. It is a strategy best suited to those whose bottom line is merely the bottom line.

If instead, your bottom line depends on long-term relationships with your friends and family, customers and co-workers, be sure that they consistently get what they value and value what they get from you. The value factor is the key to a healthy bottom line.

16. Avoiding failure is not always all that easy; but it will improve your odds if you keep in mind that most any mess is easier to get into than out of. If your personal experience does not have you saying, "Ain't that the truth!" you have lived a charmed life or maybe you just do not get it. For we mere mortals, though, "What the hell happened?" and more importantly, "WHICH way is out?" are not uncommon questions. "I should have known better," and "I didn't see it coming," are not much help when you are stuck in the muck, with no way to escape. That is why you will do well to plan on how you will get out of the muck before diving in.

17. Sure, some lucky ducks were born with silver spoons in their mouths. In life's great poker game, some people get better cards than others. It is enough to make you just sit down and cry. The old law-of-averages certainly does not apply to you. You wish. . .; and if cows could fly and if luck were really a lady, the world would be a fairer place. Even if it were not, at least you would get better cards. Keep on wishing. Maybe your luck will turn. Then again, maybe not. That is why simply going with the cards you are dealt is usually your best choice.

18. It probably comes as no surprise that merely trusting others isn't all there is to it. The question is not just, "Who do you trust?" It isn't, "Who trusts you?" either, since even world-class scoundrels likely are trusted sometimes by someone. The question is, "Is there any good reason why anyone should trust you?"

19. You say, "You can trust me. You have my word on it." Well, okay, but so what? Seeing is believing, show me, talk is cheap, time will tell, and all that. Your being trustworthy is not one of those things you can just proclaim and think that is the end of it. It is not something you tell people about you. It is a judgment other people make about you.

20. Suppose you are hot on the trail of a great deal, a resolution to a nasty conflict, an answer to a tough question. Without a hint, it suddenly all goes sour. Have you been there, up close and personal? Sure you have. It is frustrating to say the least and is usually down-right maddening. The nearly irresistible temptation is to poke at it just one more time, take just one more shot. Sure, I know. The problem with resisting temptation is that it may be the only chance you get. Nonetheless, it really may be time to put the old dog in the truck and call it a day.

 Leave Getting Angry To The Pros

“Anyone can become angry - that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way; this is not easy.” -- Aristotle

As you see, Aristotle is a typical philosopher. He definitely has a way of elevating the obvious to an amazing level of complexity. You may have thought that something or someone ticks you off; you don’t like it; you get angry; and that’s all there is to that. Silly you!

Along with getting angry, you need to be sure you get it just right. That means the right person, the right degree, the right time, the right purpose, and the right way; and if that weren’t enough, you are reminded that it isn’t easy. Not easy? With all of those restrictions, it may not even be worth bothering with. You may decide that you are way too busy to be angry.

How would that work? First, you need to be clear about what made you angry. Next, you need to determine who did or didn’t do whatever made you angry. That is the right person, the only one you get to be angry with.

Having determined with whom to be angry, you can’t just get angry. You need to decide just how angry you can reasonably get about whatever happened. You determine the degree of anger that is appropriate, based on your analysis.

So far, so good. You know who to get angry with and just how angry you can get. Can you simply go ahead and be angry? Absolutely not. According to Aristotle, there is a time for anger which seems to imply that there are times that you can’t get angry. You need to be sure this is the right time. If not, you will just have to wait for the right time to come. It’s clear that anger isn’t for the impatient.

Well, you have identified the right person and know just how angry you can be. You are sure it’s the right time; so, do you do your getting angry thing? Not yet. You might think that getting angry is its own justification but you would be wrong. You don’t get angry just because you are angry. You need to have a purpose. Will any purpose do? No, you need to have the right purpose. You don’t know what that means? You don’t know what the right purpose is? Sorry, you are out of luck. You can’t get angry until you figure that out. It’s the right purpose or no getting angry today for you.

You have worked through the prerequisites to getting angry so do you get angry now? You can, with one more restriction. You have to determine the right way to be angry. There are apparently approved protocols for being angry and you need to select the right protocol, all things considered; and there are a lot of factors to consider. You may do well to contract it out to an expert. That way you will reduce the likelihood of your screwing up this getting angry stuff. Actually, you should probably just leave getting angry to the professionals.

True Enough

“The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple." -- Oscar Wilde

Suppose Wilde is right, pure and simple. It follows that his proposition is likely not pure and definitely not simple. Truth has many forms and many faces, some of which are persisting and some of which are temporary, some of which are obvious and some of which are subtle, some of which are certain and some of which only might be true, are probably true, or are (as the physicists like to say) “approximately true.” Most of the time, one can comfortably deal with the world without thinking about the nature of truth or about the actual validity of most truths. It works out fine to proceed on a “true enough” basis.

Ice is cold and fire is hot. Your car is still where you parked it. The directions you get from MapQuest.com will get you where you want to go. Eat too much and you will get fat. If you need help, you can count on your best friend. The important quandary usually isn’t about truth or whether true enough is good enough. Rather, it’s who can you believe; who speaks the truth?

To answer the, “Who can you believe?” question, it’s necessary to introduce “integrity” into the mix. The question is, “Who are people of integrity?” because they are the only people you can or should trust. Samuel Johnson said, “Integrity without knowledge is weak and useless, and knowledge without integrity is dangerous and dreadful.” The take home point is to be sure you only seek truth from people who are clearly knowledgeable, people who know what they are talking about. For example, don’t get legal advice from your brother-in-law, unless he happens to be an experienced attorney.

Perhaps more critical than from whom you seek the truth is your capacity to evaluate the truth you receive. Know that it’s seldom pure or simple. Deciding whether it’s true enough is up to you. Key to this is correctly assessing the integrity of the person from whom you receive the truth. That to is neither pure nor simple; but there is one, essential prerequisite to assessing the integrity of others. You must yourself be a person of integrity.

As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind.” You are the final judge of the integrity of those from whom you seek the truth. John D. MacDonald likely hit the nail on the head when he said, “Integrity is not a conditional word. It doesn't blow in the wind or change with the weather. It is your inner image of yourself, and if you look in there and see a man who won't cheat, then you know he never will.” MacDonald also could have said that if you look in there and see a man of integrity, you are looking at a man who probably knows integrity when he sees it, in himself or in those whose truth is true enough.

Failure Is Merely An Event

“A man may fall many times, but he won't be a failure until he says that someone pushed him.” -- Elmer G. Letterman

The psychology of success and failure is complex but not particularly hard to understand. It starts with personal responsibility. Unless you accept the responsibility for failure, you can’t take the credit for success. Either you are the agent of your life outcomes or the victim of people who are pushing you down. What Letterman didn’t say is that, if you blame others for pushing you down, people other than you deserve the praise for pushing you ahead.

Separating yourself from what you do comes next. As William D. Brown put it, “Failure is an event, never a person.” Your success and failure aren’t who you are. They are merely what you do. S.I. Hayakawa expanded on the same theme, “Notice the difference between what happens when a man says to himself, ‘I have failed three times,’ and what happens when he says, ‘I am a failure.’" The key is in how you manage life’s events, not in the events themselves. Robert Allen expressed it like this, “There is no failure. Only feedback.”

Now consider what you do with the feedback life provides. Napoleon Hill observed, “The majority of men meet with failure because of their lack of persistence in creating new plans to take the place of those which fail." It’s not enough to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and climb back on that horse that threw you. You need a better plan for staying in the saddle. Sure, getting up and starting over is tough. Yes, that damn horse may throw you again. Indeed, your new plan may not work any better than the old one; but it’s like Beverly Sills said, “You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try."

Thomas Edison managed the disappointment this way, “I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work;” and Samuel Beckett had a similar persistent optimism, “Try again. Fail again. Fail better.” With role models like Edison and Beckett, you can hardly go wrong, so long as you keep trying. As Charles F. Kettering put it, “One fails forward toward success.”

George E. Woodberry knew the essence of success, “Defeat is not the worst of failures. Not to have tried is the true failure." Continuing effort is seldom elegant or easy; but Elbert Hubbard’s simple point may be all you actually need to know, “There is no failure except in no longer trying.” With that said, Mary Pickford gets the last word on the psychology of success and failure, “Supposing you have tried and failed again and again. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call ‘failure’ is not the falling down, but the staying down.”